Posted on April 29, 2012
These last two weeks have been odd.
It’s like I have been in a bubble and like reality has been meaningless. It has been eye opening and fun(?) but not good for me. People have begun to question me and worry, i haven’t been to school much, instead, spending my nights wandering around town sitting in bin sheds, alley ways and multi-storey car parks, waiting for mcdonalds to open. Spending countless hours at peoples houses who I don’t know, getting a couple of hours sleep on their sofas before rolling onto the next place. Aimlessly wondering, with no motivation or sense of direction.
Spending days at a time with people i have known for less than a week and treating them like I have known them my whole life, dismissing my coursework and education without a second thought.
Getting hideously messed up and turning into a different person because I honestly know the me a year ago would never have got into these situations.
I don’t want to go down this route, I don’t. I don’t think I will but I don’t know anymore. Life is crazy and passing me by and I just seem to get washed away with the tide and caught up with the sharks.
I have lied to people, my parents especially, the school, some of my friends and myself, I have lied to myself.
I have told myself that it doesn’t bother me, that I can watch someone I have known for 12 years waste their life away and fall unconscious in pubs and have to be carried out, to watch someone I have known for 3 years start to crumble as if she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. I have told myself that i will sort my life out, get back on track, get back to hanging around with people who try to help me instead of them being more destructive than I am.
I honestly do not know what is going on with me at the moment. This is not the time to be destroying myself, destroying all the work i have put into getting somewhere.
I just do not know where I’m going or what i’m doing.
I hope my sense of direction returns soon because if feels as if I am stuck in the dark and I really just want someone to come along and turn the light back on, but I suppose It doesn’t happen like that anymore, I have to be the one to get up and turn the light on, i am the only one who can sort this out.
Posted on April 5, 2012
It’s this particular time of year that everything happens, where the norm is disrupted and people begin to believe that they should stop caring and make themselves happy once more. For many, it is the last summer of childhood, before life sways and things change and people move away, some that I may possibly not see again. It is a time when the standard of everyday life is challenged, when people cut those out of their lives they believe do not deserve a place, relationships end due to one or both parties wishing to enjoy their summer as much as possible. It is where the friendship dynamics change, when it’s almost like the sunlight exposes people for what they really are, which some may dislike and thus change occurs. I find this unsettling, i don’t dislike change all that much but I enjoy people being nice and not massive dicks.
Posted on April 5, 2012
I dislike people who are unable to find fault in themselves. Whether it being for changing, for being wrong, or just faults in general. I think to me, it is healthy to have flaws and somewhat beautiful. I think of people who’s flaws I am aware of and it only makes that person more fascinating to me, more interesting, more real. A flaw allows me to see that someone is human, is able to do wrong and able to understand that no-one is perfect, despite what they think.
Posted on April 5, 2012
I love reflecting on times when I was completely at ease. Completely and utterly happy and carefree. I think one day I’ll look back to this moment and think exactly the same thing.
Posted on April 5, 2012
It’s odd. I sometimes think the strangest of things. Like if life is just a test, a game that is put in place to filter out the weak from the strong, to decipher who is worth moving on to something better. That all our actions are not only judged by those around us, but by something higher. Making everything we do that more important, but it doesn’t make it any more significant. I don’t condone suicide but sometimes I wonder if suicide is a way to get to something better, to prove themselves to some higher form. I do believe you have to have courage to commit suicide and to me it is so inhuman its fascinating. I guess it’s since I was younger and asked my great aunt about a photo she had of a boy playing piano who she wouldn’t speak about, turns out he jumped in front of a train and therefore isnt discussed. I don’t know if it’s because she is ashamed, but if so why would she have the photo in clear view or if it’s just too upsetting.
Posted on April 5, 2012
It makes me sad and angry and unable to comprehend why some people do the things they do. Some people wish for a reaction, some people say/do things with probable cause, and others, well, they just do things because they can and thats the worst type.
I hate how small some people make me feel, how, when I try to explain things too them they just giggle at me, and make me question myself, like, am I really a joke, not just to them, but everyone.
I try to avoid these situations, but it is getting harder, and it’s making me weaker. I do not feel that them acting like this has made anything better, it’s made it all so much worse.
I can’t describe how I feel about them, but it’s not good and it’s more upsetting to think that IthoughtI knew who they were, when we werebest friendsbut I think maybe it was all just a lie. Was I lying to myself?
They ruin my nights, they know they do, they enjoy it, why?
because I stopped inviting them to things?
because I wanted myself to be happy for once?
like, what. even. It’s making me not want to go out ever again, because if I see them, I know they will target me and make my night shit, It’s like i’ve conditioned myself to feel sad and teary when they are about and I know this sounds so childish but I can’t go out knowing they may be there because I’m just not strong. I will end up crying or taking it out on everybody else so that people gradually begin to hate me.
I don’t know why it effects me so much, I think it is because I have never met people as immature as these two and thinking of them makes my skin crawl and I get goose pimples and I want to cry and scream and ask them why they are so horrible to me and ah, I just don’t know.
I may become a recluse until they go to uni and then I can be happy and free.
Posted on March 20, 2012
I’m sitting here, all happy, having done all the cleaning (apart from hoovering/washing the floors which I shall do after this post), listening to music that makes me feel all happy and nice, with the knowledge that I had no lessons today, I am going out tonight and I am just feeling the vibes of summer.
The first day of Spring is a good day for me.
I’m going to go now, and finish my cleaning, then have a chilled, alcoholic beverage to get me feeling the night ahead and I am going to cook dinner for me and my daddy and have a nice long bath and get ready and have pre drinks and I shall be out and with some lovely people before I know it. And, If I get time I shall read some more of Invisible monstersbecause it is treating me so very well at the present time. yaaay.
Posted on March 17, 2012
Was a good night, I expected to be home, snuggled up in my bed by 11pm at the latest, that did not happen. I managed to see some lovely people, have some lovely chats and generally have a pretty lush time, drinking and the like. I sometimes feel that certain people understand me and others don’t and last night kind of highlighted that for me. I managed to reduce the what I felt was awkwardness and tenseness between me and some others and I also managed to be a massive dick to my best friend. I managed to meet some new people and have an encounter with someone that was not expected and therefore it was not too fun. oh man. I got to hear some lovely live music and dance and drink and smoke and laugh and talk and yeah. It was alright.
Posted on March 17, 2012
When you go out anticipating to have the best of nights, and you do, except for one or two things that just cause drama in your mind like pushing all the happy thoughts around and they are like so much more powerful than the happy thoughts because they are all charged with negative energy and want to cause shit when the happy ones just want to sit and be happy. Yet this is impossible if these little trouble makers in my mind disturb them from their tranquil mood. I guess what i’m trying to say is that last night was good, apart from a few negatives that are still hardcore dancing around my brain and banging in to my happy thoughts.
Posted on March 15, 2012
This week I have kind of gotten in to apologizing to people I have been a dick to or have upset, to meeting up with people I rarely do, to make things okay with people and to deleting those out of my life who I feel cannot be in it at the present time… This has all pretty much happened accidentally.
I have a couple more people I need to clear the air with, apologize and move on, but I don’t know if it’s time for that, or if it needs more time. Sometimes ‘sorry’ really isn’t good enough and although many may believe they are truly sorry, sometimes they are not. Henceforth I’m not sure If I can apologize If I don’t truly think it will help the situation/make the people involved feel any better. To apologize means bringing up faults in yourself to admit what you have done was wrong or was wrong in the situation or at the time, it’s this that is the problem. To admit faults is hard enough, to bring things back up to the surface on subjects you have faulted on is even harder. Sometimes it is just easier to move along and forget, but no one really ever forgets, do they?
I made a list of people I thought I needed to appologise to, some for simple reasons that I need not really appologise for but I wish to and some for more complex reasons.
It’s just when I think in my head of the word ‘sorry,’ I think of it in a dull, pathetic, voice that makes me begin to detest myself for the way my mind thinks of such a word. I don’t want other people to see it like this, I have appologies which would take me a lifetime to complete them all and I am unsure whether to just leave my saying sorry for another time, or never. Or if I do not say sorry maybe I will forever want to.
I’ve tried to make amends with people previously, which resulted in an awkward text in response to my own apology and a text to another person received no response, but I know it was read.
Sending things like apologies makes me ultra nervy, I mean it’s like when you send a letter, how will I know if they get it. I will forever wonder if their lack of reply is due to them not receiving it or their want to not reply to it, to not accept my apology. One of those messages you send and then throw your phone across the bed or close the lid of the laptop, never wanting to hear the sound of a reply. And then when one is heard, the want to never read the reply and your tummy goes all funny and you feel sick to your stomach because you never want to read it but curiosity gets the better of you and you give in. Would I then be the bigger person for admitting fault or apologizing, or would I then become pathetic and someone to laugh about due to peoples ability to walk all over me and then receive an apology from me.
I guess I just want to make things better, or at least okay, with a lot of people, and because of that I am willing to take the fall for things that may not have beenallmy fault.
I guess I’m just in a world of confusion right now.
